I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
