And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
