I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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