Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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