i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
