Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
