New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
