I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
