You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
