Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
