you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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