I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
