I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
