I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
