well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
