When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
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Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
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Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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