Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Randomize
