i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
