I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
