We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
