its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
All I want is dick and wine.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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