I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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