I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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