If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Randomize
