I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
