My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
