You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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