There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
