if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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