Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
