Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
