so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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