I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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