im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
