With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
