I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
