That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Randomize
