I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
