i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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