On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
