I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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