It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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