What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
