Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
