My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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