Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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