so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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