So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
