Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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