; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
