Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
