i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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