Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
