I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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