I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
