I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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