I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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