The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
