I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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